a stone, a leaf, an unfound door

I've Lost My Mind

2007-04-28T22:59:00.000-07:00

I just came on to blogger to write about something, but then I got caught up in the whole changeover to google thing, and in filling out the registration forms, I forgot what the heck I was going to say in the first place.

Well, I guess I'll talk about my gaffa del dia. (That's spanglish for screw-up du jour, which is franglish for my dumbass move of the day). I received one of those meme type e-mails today from one of my oldest friends. We've known each other for 25 of my 37 years or so. It had 20 - 25 personal questions that you answer in the spirit of getting to know your friends better, or some such thing. Since I hadn't done one in years, and I was sipping my coffee on a Saturday morning, I thought "what the hell... nothing better to do." That and I was avoiding doing the grocery shopping.

So I filled out this questionnaire with somewhat bizarre answers, but totally honest... and I chose a few select friends to send it to. As it turns out, hotmail goes all wonky and sends it to everyone on my hotmail friends or contacts or whatever list. So that personal questionnaire went to my 11 y.o. step-son, my grandmother, my parents, my uncle, my realtor and a few of my co-workers. I'm afraid to know the others it went to. Oh well... at least my answers weren't *that* bad, but still not stuff I'd normally share with some of those people. I'd post it here as a laugh, but I didn't even bother to save it (and I'm too scared to look into my inbox to see who's replied).

I guess I'll check back here in a few days and post the stupid thing, if I'm brave enough to ever check my hotmail account again.

I feel so bad

2007-03-26T18:19:00.000-07:00

Here it is March 26... and I just had dinner with my step-daughter under the influence of at least four shots of vodka and a few glasses of red wine. I would say that I'm drunk, but I'm probably just tipsy. I wish I could just be happy.

It's that week

2007-03-26T16:41:00.000-07:00

So here it is... my birthday week. I don't know why I get so depressed each year around this time. I guess I should think less about the things that I'm not doing and take account of what I have.

I stayed home from work today, with vacation hours. I haven't been sleeping well lately (it's been about a week with no good sleeps), and I just didn't feel like lying that I was sick. I mean, I'm not 'sick' sick... but I didn't feel like I was up to using the whole brain today. And lately, going to work means balls to the wall running from beginning to end. I'm tired of this oil-fuelled growth here, and of the election year.

But, where I would have played hooky a few years ago... today I just called and said 'look, I'm just not up to it today'. I'm sure my boss will understand. Plus, all the night meetings I've been going to will provide me with lots of overtime to use.

So here I am... 36 for two more days. I decided to make a meatloaf today for the family (the stepkids are coming over for dinner tonight). I've never made a meatloaf before. I figured I should do it before I hit my late-30s. Weird, I know.

I cleaned out the garage this weekend, and came across a bunch of my brother's stuff. I miss him a lot, but I didn't get all weepy and stuff over it. Funny, though... because today it's hitting me harder.

I'm glad summer is finally coming around. Man, I was getting sick of winter. It's hard to wake up to snow for 6 months in a row. I know global warming is occuring... but it's hard to believe it here.

I bought three bottles of wine this weekend. But I only drank one bottle... that's not bad.

Crazy 2007

2007-03-05T17:07:00.000-08:00

It's been a crazy 2007 so far. I'm sure any Canadian knows the insanity going on here in Alberta. It truly is too much to keep up with some days. Especially if you are working for a city in the development biz.

I've been totally incensed lately by the Alberta government, when I see places like Fort McMurray struggling to keep up with service demand and housing. Oil companies and mining companies in Africa build hospitals, schools, housing, etc., and we can't even get basic infrastructure here in Alberta. Hello, Alberta?... the third world is getting a better deal from the oil companies than you are!

I've been really busy so far this year, and I rarely get time to myself (especially time alone in front of a computer!) Now that my stepkids are 11 and 14, I pretty much have to arm wrestle them to use the computer... so blogging has been temporarily put on hold for the most part. Right now, I'm at my work computer waiting for a City Council meeting to start, so I actually have a few minutes to myself.

So I came back to this blog tonight, and lo and behold it was filled with spam. Ugh, that makes me mad. So I apologize to anyone that wants to comment in the blog, because I had to turn on word verification. It was sad to see my blog all slimed up that way.

So a big apology to all of the people I used to visit (and who used to visit me)... I didn't mean to drop off the face of the earth! I promise I'll try to poke my head in here from time to time.

For the fallen

2006-09-11T18:26:00.000-07:00

Today is a day to remember all of those that put themselves in harm's way to save others. Whether or not you agree with anything that America has done in the past five years, there are hundreds and thousands of people that put their own lives on the line that day, and every day since. We held a small memorial in St. Albert today, but it was good to remember and respect those that have fallen.

Thank you to all emergency service personnel, you're job is so important... and appreciated.

Deleted post

2006-09-09T15:42:00.000-07:00

I just realized that over 100 people have visited my blog. All of a sudden, I figured out that I really should keep certain things to myself that may affect my job (well, until I figure out the settings on this thing). So I ended up deleting one of my posts, or at least saving it to an internal file and deleted it from public view.

I've been using the username nerudite for awhile and, with a few exceptions, most of the sites on the internet with that nickname are mine. So even though I don't state my real name here, there are a lot people that could easily figure out who I am.

So I realize I'm not anonymous. And I should keep that in mind I suppose. Bummer, how easy it is to spy on someone these days, and how narrow people's views can be when it comes to what they read.

Vote or shut up

2006-09-08T14:09:00.000-07:00

So I'm leafing through my mail-in voting pamphlet, and the candidates in Washington State that I have to choose from are growing ever more pathetic. I'm starting to understand why voting turnout is so low these days. But I've always held that if you don't vote, you can't complain. I mean, if you don't say anything when you have your chance, then just don't bother saying anything at all is my philosophy.

Opening up my ballot information package, which is starting to look like a small-town phonebook with all of the ballot measures in Washington, there isn't any really easy candidate to choose here. I used to vote, for the most part, right down party lines. I mean in the U.S., at this time, you really have two parties. So it's really tearing me apart that Maria Cantwell voted for the Iraq occupation, and continues to vote in favour of funding the operations overseas. So sorry, Maria, but I'm going Green this year. You really lost my respect, Maria, so I'm voting non-Democrat for a Senator for the first time ever. Way to go.

Luckily, I still have a groovy Representative in Brian Baird. He voted against the original Bill for funding the operations in Iraq, and continues to voice his concern about the war. And he generally votes in line with my way of thinking on most issues. So at least I'm sticking with him for now.

For anyone that is interested in researching their candidates a bit (for the U.S. elections, of course), I find www.vote-smart.org really easy to use. You can look up issues by keywords, or go straight to a specific bill or resolution. Do your duty America! Otherwise, don't come whining to me later.

Countdown to Freedom

2006-09-07T13:51:00.000-07:00

Okay, as an American, I guess I am technically 'free' (or supposedly so). But for the last five years I've been living in Canada under a work permit, which makes you anything but free. In less than one week though, I have my final interview for permanent residency and once that is issued, I'll be truly free (at least in the eyes of Canada).

For you see, for the last five years, I have had to endure horrid stress over the whole work permit thing. I'm married to a Canadian, but for any reason if I lost my job, I would be kicked out of the country on my arse. I've had to update everything annually, and everything is tied to my work permit. For three years in a row, despite how early I turn in my paperwork, my work permits have lapsed because of how long they take to process. I've lost my health insurance, couldn't renew my driver's license or vehicle license, couldn't leave the country for awhile... it's been a nightmare.

Oh, and under a work permit, you can't even take a freaking training course. My job keeps growing at my workplace, but I haven't been able to take any training (outside of conferences or in-house offerings) to even address any educational shortcomings that may make me a more effective employee.

Alberta, as anyone in North America should know, is one of the largest sources of oil in the world and is currently booming in a way that makes my skills particularly valuable. But the hoops you have to jump through to move up here permanently are insane. Here's a little rundown of what you need to do to become a permanent resident:

I had to list every house I ever lived at (including addresses and dates) since the time I was 18;
I had to list every job I have ever held (with dates and addresses!) since the time I was 18;
I needed to list every person I ever lived with in a common law way, and state their whereabouts and whether they knew I was up here;
I needed to list the dates that my husband met my family and friends and when I met his (with photos, if possible);
I had to provide photos and details of my wedding (and shower), including reasons why certain family or friends could not attend;
I had to provide photos of family vacations, as well as details as to where we went and when;
I had to have expensive medical exams (including an EKG and x-rays);
I had to get my criminal records (or letter stating lack thereof) from every state I ever lived in AND the FBI (which meant I had to get four sets of official, original fingerprints taken); and
I had to supply proof of income and still have someone (my husband) sponsor me in case I lose my job.

And actually the list goes on and on, but I won't dull everyone with the details. The processing has taken almost one year since the time I mailed the application, and in the meantime I had to fight to get my work permit renewed, my health insurance reinstated and my driver's license renewed. I even contacted the Minister of Immigration over the problems, and have yet to hear back from their office (and it's been over seven months).

In a province that desperately needs skilled workers and professionals to deal with this insane pace of growth, I find it so incredibly ironic that they throw so many roadblocks in your way to moving here. It's been really disappointing to say the least.

I guess I shouldn't be too negative (or vocal about my negativity) until I actually get that permanent residency card in the mail (or at least until after the interview). But I am actually excited to get this whole thing over with. I can't wait to actually go to training sessions again, or maybe even (*gasp*) take a real university course. It's the little things that count and make you feel like you are 'free', and I have a renewed appreciation of the ability to do what I please.

And of course, not getting kicked out of the country for any little lame excuse will be a bonus.

So here's to six days and counting! Don't let me down Canada, because other than your crappy immigration process, you really are quite cool!

Passing in Peace

2006-09-03T12:41:00.000-07:00

I want to devote an entry to one of my favourite writers, Naguib Mahfouz, who passed away this week. While I am always saddened when the world loses one so talented, I do take comfort that his passing was peaceful and in the presence of his wife. It was said that they were whispering and smiling to each other as he went. I hope to be so lucky, when my time comes. And I am so relieved considering that he spent the last decade of his life with a fatwa looming over him, with the possibility that he would be taken unnaturally and cruelly at the hands of a stranger.

The first novel I read of his was Midaq Alley, a stark yet beautiful account of living in a Cairo slum. The beauty in the despair and hope of each inhabitant of the alley was so real to me, that it inspired me to overcome some of my own hurdles in life. I have read several of his novels since that dark time in my life, and he will always remain an inspiration to me. To anyone thinking of visiting Cairo, I truly recommend that you read the Cairo Trilogy. You'll understand the beat of the City in a way that a travelogue could never orient you.

I awake from dreams of thee

2006-09-03T08:42:00.000-07:00

I have been having many odd dreams lately. I suppose this is good, because it means that I'm not drugged out of my mind. At least I've been sleeping.

Most of my dreams involve some kind of collusion where I'm afraid that someone will find me out for something I've said or done. The details are sketchy, but I spend a lot of time trying to get somewhere undercover. I woke up this morning mid-chase, trying to plan a way to get back to an unknown hotel room by trading cars with someone, driving to a diner and hailing a cab from there. I woke up on the way back to my hotel room, so I don't know if I was going to make it or not.

The night before, I had a dream where my husband and I were trying to find some space for ourselves, maybe we were at a party or something. I kept noticing other people watch us as we moved from room to room, looking for a place to be alone. At some point I think we decided to 'stay over', and crashed in some room with a huge bed. We were starting to get into having sex, when we realized that there was someone lying in the bed next to us. That person started pushing their way in, and at the time I felt like I wanted that (but didn't voice it in my dream). My husband kicked the guy out and we ended up leaving the gathering. But once again, we left under the circumstance that someone was following us, and we felt like we had to make a break for it.

I don't know why almost every dream I have turns to some kind of mental chase, trying to outsmart some unknown assailant or person with ulterior motives. I have a theory that all of the crap going down at home, and the fact that I'm tied down here in a way that I'm unused to, has me subconsciously needing an escape. But here I am, first thing on a Sunday morning, and I'm already anxious from the running around in the dream. I wish life would just settle, or that I could take a break and get out of here for awhile to clear my head.

Coax me, cajole me

2006-08-18T21:28:00.000-07:00

My veins are running thick with molasses this week. I just seem to have this malaise about me that I can’t shake. Yet again, I have been thinking of this blog, but those few, brief seconds I get to myself to compose my thoughts have not resulted in anything concrete.

I have been walking a lot lately, hoping it will clear the cobwebs. When I’m sitting, I want to get out and walk. When I walk, I want to be at rest. Peace isn’t coming easy. I feel like a cat that doesn’t know if it wants to be out or in, stroked or ignored.

I wonder if others feel like the world is spinning out of control and not making sense. I don’t understand how my government can do what it is doing in the Middle East and in the name of freedom, how nations can blow each other to smithereens without batting an eyelash, how the open prairies are being gobbled up by insane sprawl in the name of oil ripped from the soil. How does one not stand by and watch all of this without feeling confused, questioning “Why?”

I just wish I could push past the confusion, and do something.

Best. Chick Rock. Ever.

2006-08-13T13:17:00.000-07:00

I am a chick, it's true. But most chick rock really makes me ill. So I'm so lucky to have recently witnessed the rocking goddesses that make up Magneta Lane.

In an open blog entry to them, (I guess that's what this is turning into), I want to say thanks for being so gracious and for spreading the message to girls that they should be what they want when they grow up, as long as they are true to themselves. I took four 13-y.o. to 14-y.o. girls to the concert, and it was good for them to hear a real message from real women (in between disturbingly ogling Murder City Sparrows and Hedley, of course). So as a step-parent, excellent use of opportunity to speak to them when you have the chance! Oh yeah, and to French... thanks for saying that I look too young to have kids. You're my new rock hero.

Mike Loves Me

2006-08-11T13:04:00.000-07:00

x-posted from my flickr account
This photo was my little brother's last birthday present to me, in March 2003. My mom and dad e-mailed it to me back then as part of a birthday message. He was ripped from my life on January 11, 2005, but this photo gets me through the hard days.

What made me post this at this time, is that I read a particularly moving post on Matthew Good's blog entitled 'Wealth'. At times, I feel so down lately, but when I look at this photo I remember how pure my brother was, and how he loved people so openly. And I feel so lucky that I had a person like that in my life, and that I knew what it felt like to have someone like that love you. I miss him a lot, but I do still feel lucky and wealthy to have had 31 years on earth together.

My stab at Urban Planning humour

2006-08-10T20:00:00.000-07:00

Planning and I have had a rocky relationship, but we're getting along much better now.

A whirlpool of thoughts

2006-08-09T17:51:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot over the past few days about this entry, my first real entry. And a rush of words flood through my brain, but none of it actually spills onto the blank template. I can never explain the wonder in life or the emotions within me. Although I am haunted by the written word, I have trouble using it to convey my innermost thoughts. Or at least in a way that I feel would move others. With a few rare exceptions, my words have been lifeless to me.

I believe that is why I have always been befuddled by words and how they hook into me… the way I can fall in love with a verse or phrase, where I’ll think about it without knowing and smile. I’ll suddenly find it swirling around me in quiet moments. There are passages from poetry I can smell, taste and feel because we have been intimate for so long. Poems and songs are a holiday, an island to myself.

When I stand in an open field or by the shore, the words of others fly to me that somehow better convey the beauty of the moment more than my words ever could. And I guess that is why I am left here, with so little to say. I have named this journal 'a stone, a leaf, an unfound door' because those are the words that have haunted me the longest.

As difficult as words come to me, the illustration comes easier. I can visualize anything, maybe because I have done it for a living for so long, or maybe because I have had a camera in my hand since I was six. So I will start with photography, and maybe the words will come later.

Definition of torny

2006-08-08T11:31:00.000-07:00

Main Entry: torny
Pronunciation: 'tor-nE Function: adjective Inflected Form(s): torn·i·er; -est Etymology: Colloquial English, from being too lazy to use real words: desiring sex but too tired to do anything about it.